I keep waiting. I keep thinking that something exciting will happen, like one of my amazing ideas will take off.  That I’ll actually have something to talk about on here.  But the truth is, I’ve literally done nothing the past couple days because I’ve been sick and in bed.

For a very long time I just sat paralyzed, afraid to do anything, afraid to rock the boat for fear of what was in the water.  But now a days I’m not afraid of what is in the water so much, more that I’m afraid I have missed the water all together.  That I’m hung up somewhere in a boat dock.  Essentially, that I have missed my chance.

I’m only 33, and somehow I feel like all my good working days are behind me. Yet, I’ve had very few days in my past where I felt like I was living my dream.  My dream of being a really great Interior Designer. I never wanted to lower myself to selling carpet, or furniture at one of those big warehouse stores.  I couldn’t stand to think that I would stay there for the rest of my life.  But at least that would have been some experience.  Instead I held out for a more direct shot.  I worked a little for a contractor, helping finish out projects and a little for a pretend rich lady that could never pay.  The closest I got was helping make custom drapes for some million dollar homes.  At that point I thought I was close, maybe one would let me work on their bathroom or laundry room and see my talent and let me finish out the house and their their friends would come over and ask, “Who is your designer???”  Nope.

I’m not afraid of hard work, and I’m not really afraid of starting at the bottom in order to move up.  I’m afraid of wasting time, like I’ve been wasting time.  Then one day, I’ll wake up to my grandkids squealing through the house and realize my chances of a career is completely gone.  I don’t want that.

Where do I go from here.  What do I do… I still have a passion, to change peoples lives through their homes. So I will do what I can to get to where I want to be. Everyday is new, there are new possibilities, and I choose to believe in them.

God, help me make decisions, help me take steps, help me find my way, your way for my life. I want to live, be, grow, love, own, work, design, laugh, create, sing.  Help.