Dear God

I almost wish you had a cell phone, an email? I wish I could ask my questions and get an answer asap… in neon lights… flashing.

I desire to hear your voice. To feel your hand on my shoulder nudging me in the direction of your choice.  To see your face to tell if you are looking at me with disapproving eyes or approving.  To know you and be known by you so well that I can since your will better than I can now.

How I manage my life now? Well you know… I check every door and every window for an open one, then I move through it and check for more openness.

I have been searching.  But all I seem to be accomplishing is confusing myself.  I have opened so wide to every possibility that I am sitting here waiting for any 100 of my fishing poles to get a bite. But for some reason this feels wrong to me.  That I should know your voice better, so I would have that one pole, waiting for that perfect fish.

My struggle is between the work I should do and the work I need to let you do.  I believe with all my being that you can accomplish everything and you can do it with or without me. I sit and ask and pray for direction.  I call and email and have conversations with everyone I know to move me closer to the goal… then wait.  I’m waiting for you to do your part.  Am I waiting on the wrong island on the opposite side of my destiny.  Is there any such thing?

Or is it all about the hustle?  If it is, man, I’m really bad at hustle.  I hustle for a week, and wait…. for about 3 days and wait some more.  But by the time I get back to hustling, the first round of hustle has evaporated and I’m starting from square 1 again.

Im so afraid I’m in left field that I don’t work for very long or get very far, just so if I am wrong… I haven’t wasted much. But looking back at how long I have functioned like this, it looks as though I have wasted a lot, too much.

Help.

I’m so confused.  What am I hung up on.  What am I not seeing/doing.  Why am I so dissatisfied with the status of my dreams.  Are my dreams your dreams?

Can I really accomplish everything I want to do with hustle? Am I just suppose to give you praise and gratitude for all I accomplish as I hustle?  Or am I suppose to depend completely on you for each step, and watch as your hand works miracles in my life.  So that I know that it wasn’t me and the praise and gratitude I give are a cry from my soul because there is nothing else I can do as I sit on my knees in awe of you.

Thats how I thought it was suppose to work… thats how it seems to work in other people’s lives.  They say “I just rode the wave”, “It all happened so fast”, “God completely exceeded my expectations.”

Do I move? Do I sit still with patience?

I will read. until I know what to do.

Amen.

 

I keep waiting. I keep thinking that something exciting will happen, like one of my amazing ideas will take off.  That I’ll actually have something to talk about on here.  But the truth is, I’ve literally done nothing the past couple days because I’ve been sick and in bed.

For a very long time I just sat paralyzed, afraid to do anything, afraid to rock the boat for fear of what was in the water.  But now a days I’m not afraid of what is in the water so much, more that I’m afraid I have missed the water all together.  That I’m hung up somewhere in a boat dock.  Essentially, that I have missed my chance.

I’m only 33, and somehow I feel like all my good working days are behind me. Yet, I’ve had very few days in my past where I felt like I was living my dream.  My dream of being a really great Interior Designer. I never wanted to lower myself to selling carpet, or furniture at one of those big warehouse stores.  I couldn’t stand to think that I would stay there for the rest of my life.  But at least that would have been some experience.  Instead I held out for a more direct shot.  I worked a little for a contractor, helping finish out projects and a little for a pretend rich lady that could never pay.  The closest I got was helping make custom drapes for some million dollar homes.  At that point I thought I was close, maybe one would let me work on their bathroom or laundry room and see my talent and let me finish out the house and their their friends would come over and ask, “Who is your designer???”  Nope.

I’m not afraid of hard work, and I’m not really afraid of starting at the bottom in order to move up.  I’m afraid of wasting time, like I’ve been wasting time.  Then one day, I’ll wake up to my grandkids squealing through the house and realize my chances of a career is completely gone.  I don’t want that.

Where do I go from here.  What do I do… I still have a passion, to change peoples lives through their homes. So I will do what I can to get to where I want to be. Everyday is new, there are new possibilities, and I choose to believe in them.

God, help me make decisions, help me take steps, help me find my way, your way for my life. I want to live, be, grow, love, own, work, design, laugh, create, sing.  Help.