In the nights sky I see myself

In the stars, scattered yet stunning

Full of light but longing

Full of story yet silent

 

I speak but no words escape

I sing but no heart is felt

I live but no life is seen

I love but yes, I love

 

You made the night, I see you there

You made the stars, I see you there

You are the light, I feel you there

You are the story, I feel you here

This sums it up. Im figuring out a lot of what I’ve been struggling with is a personality trait. Something that I can change but I have to be highly aware of it all the time, fighting its impulses.  I’m already tired. My drive to understand myself and my place in this world, not wanting to settle but live out my passions and purpose, being able to write my feelings but never fully verbalize them.  All of this is my personality.  INFP’s make up about 4% of the worlds population with famous people like Audrey Hepburn and Curt Cobain. Yeah… the odds of me being content in my career are slim based on my personality, most INFP’s search their whole lives for their single role and some never find it, the ones who do take a long time to get there.  We don’t like to be tied down by constraints like time and money. Some people say we are neither followers or leaders.  One quote I connected with was “I just want to make things pretty and get enough sleep.”

Not really sure what to do with all of this but I am searching, still.

I wish this was a post telling you all about the progress I’ve made.  All about the great steps I’ve takin in the direction of my purpose.  This deep answer into how I found my way and the success I’m experiencing while I’m reaching my full potential. (WOW, I would really love to read that post)

But I can’t.

Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve made any progress at all, while I have been desperately striving for it. I’m not even positive I haven’t back slid a little.  In all actuality, I’m closer to a mental breakdown then discovering what I’m going to be when I grow up.

My head is full of insecurities, doubts, anxiety, and fear. I feel like a fraud. Like a fake. Like someone who couldn’t see their own life clearly so they tried to take on someone else’s. And this was years ago… so now I have no clear distinction between the me I truly am and the me I’ve tried to become.

I realized something the other night.  This something was an epiphany of sorts.  Not the kind that leads to the MacPRO but the kind that makes you realize something about yourself you really didn’t care to know, but God showed it to you on purpose to help you grow… that kind…

The epiphany was this: When I was in high school, I depended on my parents to make most large decisions.  I didn’t think for myself, or if I did I was very childish in my thoughts. My parents guided me but not with teaching, more with rules. When I graduated and was on my own I, all of the sudden, assumed I was equipped for some pretty serious decisions.  Where I was going to go to college, would I attend my classes, would I study, would I get a job and work… I failed 4 out of the 5 classes I took that semester. I defaulted to my parents to save my poor decisions. They sent me to a Baptist college.  I had to change my major and start over.  I DID go to class this time and I did study but the major I was now in left me feeling dull.  It used no creativity, so I thought. After three semesters I decided to change schools, and my major, again.  At this point I decided to get a job, then a different one, then a different one. I decided to move and change friends.  I decided to drink and hang out with the wrong boys. I decided to stop going to church. Then I ran into Stephen, my future husband.  We very quickly started dating and I knew I could trust him, with everything.  He was kind and smart and was in God’s will, living his purpose at 21. I admired him and subconsciously decided to now run all my decisions through him. Over the years I have slowly filtered almost everything I have done through him.  His yes, or his no, dictated what I decided.  Not in a bad way, not in a controlling way. I didn’t want the control, I wanted someone else to tell me what to do.  So now… I don’t know how to make a decent decision on my own. Most the choices I made on my own turned out bad. I’m really scared of making another bad decision.

So I’ve been mulling over getting my real estate license. For like, ever, right? I realized, the same night as my epiphany, that the only decisions I stuck to my guns on were the houses we bought.  We have loved the houses we have lived in.  All with their own qualities issues. But so loved none the less. I feel like everything is pointing me towards Real Estate. But the fear is gigantic and its paralyzing. I want to ensure that I will be good at it before I do it, but I cant. I don’t have a crystal ball.  I have God tho, and that is infinitely better. I get absorbed with details and forget to trust. I get stuck on what I don’t know and don’t understand and try to research and figure it out when I’m just suppose to take a step of faith.

There has been a quote in multiple books I have read lately.  By Paulo Coelho.

A boat is safe in the harbor. But this is not the purpose of a boat.

God can speak through the Bible, through nature or through other peoples words.  If I ever want to know what I’ve been built for I need to get out of the harbor.  Out of my comfort zone and risk something. My pride. Learn how to use failed decisions for my good, let them become the gasoline to my fire, my passion.  Take one day at a time, not get wrapped up in the details and just trust the Creator to care for his creation.

Progress.