Where’s the update on my great real estate adventure? Eh… there isn’t one.  I’ve looked up where I would like to get my license and when I would need to be in class but have I actually signed up yet, no.  Why? Well, that is why I am writing today.  I need to process what all is going on in my head.

I just spent a week with one of my closest friends.  We have been friends for almost 20 years. Yup!  She is so inspiring and challenges me to be a better wife, mother and human being.  She stands for things, like really stands for them.  If she cares at all she cares a lot.  At the same time she lives such a beautiful life.  I understand that I don’t see everything but the parts I do see are absolutely lovely.  She has a garden and is a florist, she is minimal and cluttered in all the right places, she antiques better than Bon Jovi sings.  This girl is awesome.

Why am I telling you all this?  Well, I started to think about this dream that I have.  And I started to think about what kind of foundation I was about to start building it upon.  And I realized that it would be pretty shaky.  The only thing I feel like I’ve been consistently good at is wifing.  That is a big deal, I get it.  But I can’t honestly say that I’m momming the way I would like to be, budgeting, or housekeeping the way I’d like to be.  Ultimately, I would be running from becoming better at home, towards real estate to give myself an excuse as to why I’m so bad at all the other things.  I need to pay closer attention to my basics.

First and foremost, my relationship with God.  I just haven’t spent a lot of time in the Word or praying or anything.  I tend to binge read for like one afternoon and then neglect for like a month.  I know I want more time with him.  I know that he is the firm foundation that I want to build the dream on and with.  I know that deepening my love for him will trickle down into my mothering, wifing, and housekeeping.  And I also know that when I feel secure in him I will more clearly see the reasoning behind my dream and if it is also the dream he has for me.  Make sense?

Second, my mothering.  Lately, I have been in survival mode.  Not much patience, not a lot of grace, not a lot of fun.  I really want to be all of those things.  Everyday.  My friend talked of a book she had just read.  It talked about making the most of the moments in the morning. That first moment you see your kid, making sure it is a positive experience for them.  How that moment sets the pace for then entire day.  How that moment can make them feel like a blessing or a burden.  I’m sad to say but even thought in my heart I see my kids as blessings, that first moment in our day has probably made them feel otherwise.  If I change nothing else, I hope I can change that.

Third, budgeting.  I’ve gotten a lot better at this, and I try really hard like 28 days out of the month, but just like you can ruin a diet in one meal you can ruin your budget in one purchase and that is what I have consistently done my entire adult life.  Poor Stephen, he has got to be so tired of this.  I won’t even ask, and that is the bad part.  I’m like a child, who knows their parent will say no so they just do it.  I spend and let him figure it out later, which leaves me with so much guilt but I wanted that “thing” so badly.  Ugh. Typing this out is making me feel terrible… lets move on.

Housekeeping.  I hate this one.  Loath it actually.  I am hoping that if I can get the budget in order I can squeeze out enough for a house keeper.  I really just am terrible and have no desire to get any better.  I can meal plan and grocery shop and cook.  I can do dishes and laundry but everything else suffers.  Then what happens is I decide to get it all done in one day and neglect my kids.  My kids are more important than sweeping the floors.  So I will delegate that to someone else to be able to have a peace of mind and more time to do more important things.

There is also the concept of having a healthy lifestyle, healthy kids and a healthy husband.  Unfortunately this falls all on me.  Stephen can make spaghetti and pancakes but not much more than that.  However, he will eat anything I put in front of him so if I plan healthy meals most everyone will eat most everything.  So I am wanting to take that to the next level and include fun activities and exercise.

All in all, I just want to have a better home life before I add a career.  I will probably convince myself otherwise in a couple days.  We will see.

I am a white woman married to a black man.

I do have a fear of black men… who are a little rough around the edges, walking with a purposeful limp, long shirts and low pants. I also have a fear of white men with the same description. I watch my speed and my signals when there’s a cop driving behind me. They could give me a ticket, put me in jail, and they have a gun. I fear scary things. Period. I’m pretty sure both types want to be feared. As much as I ‘fear’ someone that looks a certain way, I now fear the afraid more. We all have fear, we fear those we do not know, and things we do not understand.  It’s what we are letting that fear do to us that really matters.

I can’t fix this, I wish I could.  I wish I could have a dream and stand for something publicly that would actually contribute to the ending of hate. I can’t comfort the families who have lost a man this week.  I can’t keep my husband and kids home forever in hopes of protecting them. I can’t even say that everything is going to be ok, because quite honestly, it most definitely is not going to be ok.  This world is broken, it has been for a long time.  The fixing of it could possibly take the ending of it.

I can say I’m sorry to Alton Sterling’s and Philandro Castile’s families. I am so sorry. There were also 5 white cops murdered in response.  How does this fix Alton’s and Philandro’s deaths?  How does this help anything?  It doesn’t.  It doesn’t even come close.  It doesn’t bring them back or allow their children one more hug or one more kiss.  One more chance to hear “I love you” from their dads!  It doesn’t make the cops that shot the guns, pay.      IT DOESN’T DO ANY GOOD!!!  It only perpetuates hate, fear, and more killing.

It is obvious that there is a lack of Love in the world.

Please, if you are letting this fear turn to hate, stop! Don’t do it. I’m not asking you to put yourself in their shoes or try to see it from their perspective but we can not throw every cop in to a box, just like we can’t throw every black man into one. We can’t weigh stereotypes and majorities.  They can not contain everyone. Therefore we cannot react in an all inclusive way.

We can try to realize that racism is real.  Hate is real. Neither one will ever disappear for good. Don’t be so naive to think that we can fix either one.  There is more to racism than just color. There is racism against women/men, straight/homosexual, big/small, old/young, tattooed/not, etc.  As long as there is differences in us there is racism, because there will always be people who fear the differences.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want that last statement to be true but it is.  It just is.

Do you know when my kid learned about racism? Martin Luther King Jr. day in Kindergarten.  Racism is continuing through ignorance. Have you ever thought that some how in teaching kids about it we are teaching kids to do it?  I don’t want to take black history out of school, I want to frame it differently to help kids choose love not hatred.  To fight against racism not fall into it.

I know that new fear has developed inside of me just this week. In response I will teach my kids to see differences but not to fear them, to love and to understand, and to fight for equality.

I know that I would give my white life for his black life, and he would give his for mine. However, we will pray everyday it never comes to that.  We choose to see color for the beauty that it is, we choose to see differences and we also choose Love.