I realized today in my 9am yoga class with Shannon, the reason I love yoga. I can do it, and I can do it right. I’m really good at an intermediate yoga class.
Today, I got the feeling that, yet again, I had failed at moming. Stella needed to “teach” the class about the letter s. Of course she couldn’t come up with the lesson plan all on her own. So I helped, but then this morning about 15 minutes before she needed to leave I double checked the instructions. She had to teach for 20 minutes. 20!!!!! All I had done is gotten her some Starburst and walked her through a Simon Says game of doing all things that started with S. But that wouldn’t take 20 minutes. So, I added to it the best I could which made her late, and on top of that we forgot her starburst as she was rushing out of the door. I lost it and yelled… I HATE DOING THIS!!! When the truth was, that I just hate being bad at something. Id rather not do it at all but not doing anything in this situation made my Stella look bad. It didn’t fall on me, it fell on her which compounded the feeling of failure for me. Then I rushed to yoga, I knew I needed it. As I was nailing Warrior I, then the high push-up, then chaturanga, I realized I love this because I am good at it.
In all areas but yoga, I am not excelling. I am lazy as a mom, depending on shows and nap times and playing outside for quiet time. I’m not looking for validation that I’m not a bad mom. My kids are happy and healthy so I know I’m not terrible. But I am very self-aware and I know how I would like to mom and what is possible verses what I am actually doing.
I am selfish as a wife. Calling shots based on how I feel. Saying I’ll take care of something and then just putting it off because I have something “better” to do. Getting frustrated when I feel like the only one that helps keep the house and the house looks like crap. Another thing I wish I was better at. Housekeeping.
I don’t read my bible, I don’t eat well, I don’t drink enough water, I don’t keep up with my friends, I spend money precisely when I’m not suppose to. I just sit and scroll my phone, and wish for things to be different. I’m so tired of this cycle. So sick of it. I know that I can do anything I put my mind to. And I know that I can accomplish more with God on my side. I know that he loves me and desires a relationship with me, and to bless me. I don’t want to be discontent. I don’t want to desire days past or a different future than the one I know I’ll have. I want to be happy. Happy about the past that has brought me here and excited for the future with no fear of whats to come.
I read something today, and I’m not sure where its from. Bible maybe but the reference wasn’t listed.
“God will replace your weakness with his strength.”
Here you go God. Here is all my weakness, all my insecurities, all my insufficiencies, replace them with your strength, your grace, mercy and wisdom. If anything changes I and everyone else will know it is YOU that did the work. Renew my mind, my heart, my soul, my body, my everything.