So on July 28th, 2016 I posted on Instagram and Facebook that I was taking a social media break. This break had nothing to do with anyone or anything else but me. I had committed to posting a yoga pose everyday for 100 days. This shouldn’t have been a big deal, I did it last year and loved it, why would I not love doing it again?! I wasn’t even two weeks in and all of the sudden I was buckling under the pressure, that I had put upon myself. I felt anxiety over many issues; motherhood, design work, but also yoga. I found that I was comparing myself to other people. At one point I got jealous, of someone I loved and knew and was happy for but still, I wanted what she had.
All of this, plus a huge feeling of inadequacy was really weighing on me so when I hit jealousy, I quit… I just quit everything I could.
I knew I had been wasting a lot of time on social media and wanted to know how different my day would look when I gave it up. (BTW…You know you have a problem when you become defensive if anyone brings up how much you are “scrolling”…my husband liked to point it out.) I was escaping or trying to. I was procrastinating. I was avoiding my life.
Most of all, I was spending time doing things that didn’t matter because I was scared focusing on the things that really did matter. Scared of TRYING to figure it out. How crazy is that?! I’m not talking about taking the HUGE step of going back to school or sending in the small business plan to apply for a loan or handing over 100K to invest in a project… I’m talking about sitting down with a piece of paper and a pencil. That, that piece of paper and pencil scared me. I didn’t want to tackle getting better at motherhood, furthering my education in yoga, hustling for design work, or just finishing the work I had.
The anxiety was effecting everything I did. I’m not even sure how to explain it. I would try to do something and the second it didn’t go well I found it hard to breath I would feel myself loosing patience like trying to hold water in your hands… I would get by myself as fast as I could. You know when you are dealing with something and you want to tell someone but you don’t know how… so you just joke about it?! I was literally doing that, laughing, with tears in my eyes saying, “I’m loosing it!”.
Jesus, help. I could feel him wanting more of my time. I could imagine him sad about how I was spending my life. He knew a better way and desperately wanted me to find it and live it and I was “scrolling”.
In the beginning I read books, lots of books. About God, Real Estate, parenting, grace, habits and personality types. I learned a lot about me and about how I naturally function. I have a lot of issues that have taken up occupancy in my mind, and when I try to rid myself of one I gain a new one, or I just recognize a new one. What I found when I read all these books is that a lot of what I didn’t like about myself was natural. Ugh. Natural! Almost all of it had to do with the fact I was introverted. Not only do people wear me out but phone calls, emails, text messages even can be to much for me. It can take me so long to reply because, frankly I don’t want to think about how to reply. As an introvert I’m suppose to gain energy by being alone. Uh, thats not fair for us stay-at-home moms with extroverted husbands.
I. am. never. alone.
I have been slowly creeping back though. I downloaded snapchat. I kept Instagram just in case I needed to look something or someone up, it comes in handy. I would even venture onto Facebook when I needed. But I can feel it slowly taking over again. Sucking up more and more of my time. I hate it and love it all at once.
Another characteristic of mine I don’t like much is that I can’t do things in moderation. I like to totally engulf myself or abstain. So here is to practicing moderation, to staying true to what I love and continuing to do those things the best I can, to saying no to things that I don’t want taking up valuable space in my life.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help prioritize your time…
- If I was loaded like Taylor Swift, how would my life look different?
- Where does my guilt come from?
- What gives me energy, do I do that enough, what is keeping me from doing it more?
- Is there anything I dread doing that I can delegate or just stop all together?
How I would answer these questions…
- I would decorate my house, I would decorate for every holiday, I would change my flowers in my yard with the seasons. I would take classes on pottery and painting and photography. I would buy houses and renovate them with integrity and sell them for profit until our house was paid for and our kids futures were saved for. AND I would do this for all of my friends. I would have Holy Yoga retreats and girls weekends with my besties. I would take Stella on a mom and daughter get-away and then Zo and then Jo. Stephen and I would always have special time together, not stressed, not rushed. I would throw parties on the reg.
- Loosing my patiences. Spending too much money. Not getting the time with people/God, like I’d like to.
- Holy Yoga. I do yoga but not holy yoga and I can feel the need. I need a location. I need to ask more people about a location.
- Drapes. Let me clarify. I enjoy making drapes with the correct materials. Not with makeshift stuff. It drains me and I avoid it which draws out the project which leaves me feeling terrible.
Slow down. Breath. Listen. Reevaluate. Change.
There is peace that passes all understanding, its time to stop “scrolling”, and live.
As for my yoga pics, I’ll post whenever I feel like it and make it worth more like the above picture.