New Beginnings

I have gone back and forth and back and forth on getting my Real Estate License.  It is something I just keep coming back to, well, because I LOVE houses.  Big ones, small ones, dirty old ones, brand spankin’ new ones and everything in between.  I love houses!!  For the past 9 years I have worked at making houses homes.  Interior Design has been slow and fast, up and down but I have enjoyed it.  I want to move into investment homes and have time and time again thought real estate would be a great avenue to take.  My first step was always calling my realtor at the time and asking 101 questions.  The conversation always ended with, “this isn’t something you need!” But then months later it would be on my mind.

Again and again.

Soooooo, this is it.  The decision I’ve been prancing around for 9 years, pretty much.  A way to take my eye and mix it with the greatest and biggest investment in most peoples lives.  I know I will struggle but I am hoping my heart for homes along with learning all I can about the process and how to be a great real estate broker will help me come out on top.  I’m hoping this major step will help me towards my ultimate goal… to be shared at a later date.

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I would give my white life for his black life.

I am a white woman married to a black man.

I do have a fear of black men… who are a little rough around the edges, walking with a purposeful limp, long shirts and low pants. I also have a fear of white men with the same description. I watch my speed and my signals when there’s a cop driving behind me. They could give me a ticket, put me in jail, and they have a gun. I fear scary things. Period. I’m pretty sure both types want to be feared. As much as I ‘fear’ someone that looks a certain way, I now fear the afraid more. We all have fear, we fear those we do not know, and things we do not understand.  It’s what we are letting that fear do to us that really matters.

I can’t fix this, I wish I could.  I wish I could have a dream and stand for something publicly that would actually contribute to the ending of hate. I can’t comfort the families who have lost a man this week.  I can’t keep my husband and kids home forever in hopes of protecting them. I can’t even say that everything is going to be ok, because quite honestly, it most definitely is not going to be ok.  This world is broken, it has been for a long time.  The fixing of it could possibly take the ending of it.

I can say I’m sorry to Alton Sterling’s and Philandro Castile’s families. I am so sorry. There were also 5 white cops murdered in response.  How does this fix Alton’s and Philandro’s deaths?  How does this help anything?  It doesn’t.  It doesn’t even come close.  It doesn’t bring them back or allow their children one more hug or one more kiss.  One more chance to hear “I love you” from their dads!  It doesn’t make the cops that shot the guns, pay.      IT DOESN’T DO ANY GOOD!!!  It only perpetuates hate, fear, and more killing.

It is obvious that there is a lack of Love in the world.

Please, if you are letting this fear turn to hate, stop! Don’t do it. I’m not asking you to put yourself in their shoes or try to see it from their perspective but we can not throw every cop in to a box, just like we can’t throw every black man into one. We can’t weigh stereotypes and majorities.  They can not contain everyone. Therefore we cannot react in an all inclusive way.

We can try to realize that racism is real.  Hate is real. Neither one will ever disappear for good. Don’t be so naive to think that we can fix either one.  There is more to racism than just color. There is racism against women/men, straight/homosexual, big/small, old/young, tattooed/not, etc.  As long as there is differences in us there is racism, because there will always be people who fear the differences.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want that last statement to be true but it is.  It just is.

Do you know when my kid learned about racism? Martin Luther King Jr. day in Kindergarten.  Racism is continuing through ignorance. Have you ever thought that some how in teaching kids about it we are teaching kids to do it?  I don’t want to take black history out of school, I want to frame it differently to help kids choose love not hatred.  To fight against racism not fall into it.

I know that new fear has developed inside of me just this week. In response I will teach my kids to see differences but not to fear them, to love and to understand, and to fight for equality.

I know that I would give my white life for his black life, and he would give his for mine. However, we will pray everyday it never comes to that.  We choose to see color for the beauty that it is, we choose to see differences and we also choose Love.

 

Replace Me

I realized today in my 9am yoga class with Shannon, the reason I love yoga.  I can do it, and I can do it right.  I’m really good at an intermediate yoga class.

Today, I got the feeling that, yet again, I had failed at moming.  Stella needed to “teach” the class about the letter s.  Of course she couldn’t come up with the lesson plan all on her own.  So I helped, but then this morning about 15 minutes before she needed to leave I double checked the instructions.  She had to teach for 20 minutes.  20!!!!! All I had done is gotten her some Starburst and walked her through a Simon Says game of doing all things that started with S.  But that wouldn’t take 20 minutes.  So, I added to it the best I could which made her late, and on top of that we forgot her starburst as she was rushing out of the door.  I lost it and yelled… I HATE DOING THIS!!! When the truth was, that I just hate being bad at something.  Id rather not do it at all but not doing anything in this situation made my Stella look bad.  It didn’t fall on me, it fell on her which compounded the feeling of failure for me.  Then I rushed to yoga, I knew I needed it.  As I was nailing Warrior I, then the high push-up, then chaturanga, I realized I love this because I am good at it.

In all areas but yoga, I am not excelling.  I am lazy as a mom, depending on shows and nap times and playing outside for quiet time.  I’m not looking for validation that I’m not a bad mom.  My kids are happy and healthy so I know I’m not terrible.  But I am very self-aware and I know how I would like to mom and what is possible verses what I am actually doing.

I am selfish as a wife.  Calling shots based on how I feel. Saying I’ll take care of something and then just putting it off because I have something “better” to do.  Getting frustrated when I feel like the only one that helps keep the house and the house looks like crap.  Another thing I wish I was better at.  Housekeeping.

I don’t read my bible, I don’t eat well, I don’t drink enough water, I don’t keep up with my friends, I spend money precisely when I’m not suppose to. I just sit and scroll my phone, and wish for things to be different.  I’m so tired of this cycle.  So sick of it.  I know that I can do anything I put my mind to.  And I know that I can accomplish more with God on my side.  I know that he loves me and desires a relationship with me, and to bless me.  I don’t want to be discontent.  I don’t want to desire days past or a different future than the one I know I’ll have.  I want to be happy.  Happy about the past that has brought me here and excited for the future with no fear of whats to come.

I read something today, and I’m not sure where its from. Bible maybe but the reference wasn’t listed.

“God will replace your weakness with his strength.”

Here you go God.  Here is all my weakness, all my insecurities, all my insufficiencies, replace them with your strength, your grace, mercy and wisdom.  If anything changes I and everyone else will know it is YOU that did the work.  Renew my mind, my heart, my soul, my body, my everything.

Replace me.

 

A Letter to God

Dear God

I almost wish you had a cell phone, an email? I wish I could ask my questions and get an answer asap… in neon lights… flashing.

I desire to hear your voice. To feel your hand on my shoulder nudging me in the direction of your choice.  To see your face to tell if you are looking at me with disapproving eyes or approving.  To know you and be known by you so well that I can since your will better than I can now.

How I manage my life now? Well you know… I check every door and every window for an open one, then I move through it and check for more openness.

I have been searching.  But all I seem to be accomplishing is confusing myself.  I have opened so wide to every possibility that I am sitting here waiting for any 100 of my fishing poles to get a bite. But for some reason this feels wrong to me.  That I should know your voice better, so I would have that one pole, waiting for that perfect fish.

My struggle is between the work I should do and the work I need to let you do.  I believe with all my being that you can accomplish everything and you can do it with or without me. I sit and ask and pray for direction.  I call and email and have conversations with everyone I know to move me closer to the goal… then wait.  I’m waiting for you to do your part.  Am I waiting on the wrong island on the opposite side of my destiny.  Is there any such thing?

Or is it all about the hustle?  If it is, man, I’m really bad at hustle.  I hustle for a week, and wait…. for about 3 days and wait some more.  But by the time I get back to hustling, the first round of hustle has evaporated and I’m starting from square 1 again.

Im so afraid I’m in left field that I don’t work for very long or get very far, just so if I am wrong… I haven’t wasted much. But looking back at how long I have functioned like this, it looks as though I have wasted a lot, too much.

Help.

I’m so confused.  What am I hung up on.  What am I not seeing/doing.  Why am I so dissatisfied with the status of my dreams.  Are my dreams your dreams?

Can I really accomplish everything I want to do with hustle? Am I just suppose to give you praise and gratitude for all I accomplish as I hustle?  Or am I suppose to depend completely on you for each step, and watch as your hand works miracles in my life.  So that I know that it wasn’t me and the praise and gratitude I give are a cry from my soul because there is nothing else I can do as I sit on my knees in awe of you.

Thats how I thought it was suppose to work… thats how it seems to work in other people’s lives.  They say “I just rode the wave”, “It all happened so fast”, “God completely exceeded my expectations.”

Do I move? Do I sit still with patience?

I will read. until I know what to do.

Amen.

 

Waiting…

I keep waiting. I keep thinking that something exciting will happen, like one of my amazing ideas will take off.  That I’ll actually have something to talk about on here.  But the truth is, I’ve literally done nothing the past couple days because I’ve been sick and in bed.

For a very long time I just sat paralyzed, afraid to do anything, afraid to rock the boat for fear of what was in the water.  But now a days I’m not afraid of what is in the water so much, more that I’m afraid I have missed the water all together.  That I’m hung up somewhere in a boat dock.  Essentially, that I have missed my chance.

I’m only 33, and somehow I feel like all my good working days are behind me. Yet, I’ve had very few days in my past where I felt like I was living my dream.  My dream of being a really great Interior Designer. I never wanted to lower myself to selling carpet, or furniture at one of those big warehouse stores.  I couldn’t stand to think that I would stay there for the rest of my life.  But at least that would have been some experience.  Instead I held out for a more direct shot.  I worked a little for a contractor, helping finish out projects and a little for a pretend rich lady that could never pay.  The closest I got was helping make custom drapes for some million dollar homes.  At that point I thought I was close, maybe one would let me work on their bathroom or laundry room and see my talent and let me finish out the house and their their friends would come over and ask, “Who is your designer???”  Nope.

I’m not afraid of hard work, and I’m not really afraid of starting at the bottom in order to move up.  I’m afraid of wasting time, like I’ve been wasting time.  Then one day, I’ll wake up to my grandkids squealing through the house and realize my chances of a career is completely gone.  I don’t want that.

Where do I go from here.  What do I do… I still have a passion, to change peoples lives through their homes. So I will do what I can to get to where I want to be. Everyday is new, there are new possibilities, and I choose to believe in them.

God, help me make decisions, help me take steps, help me find my way, your way for my life. I want to live, be, grow, love, own, work, design, laugh, create, sing.  Help.

New Ideas

You know when you get an idea… a really good one (so you think).  You obsess over it for the entire day.  You begin researching and sharing your idea with your closest friends.  You dream about what it, what it would be like and the details that you would choose.  How it would look, how it would feel… Oh all the excitement.  It travels through you like coffee on steroids.  The possibilities are endless!  Success is guaranteed!  Theres no way you could fail!!! You can’t even sleep because the idea is just swirling around in your head. Sure theres a lot of what-ifs and theres quite a few parts you have absolutely no clue about but that doesn’t matter right now because YOU ARE EXCITED!!!

Then you wake up.

All of the sudden the excitement is gone and in it’s place is… reality. That bitch. (yeah, I said it, because we were all thinking it)

Reality can really suck sometimes.  It sucks the life right out of your excitement.  You are left with how much money it would actually cost, how many people it would actually take, how much time, how much energy… Then this amazing idea turns into a absolutely terrible idea.  They are not as exciting.

They are paralyzing.

You don’t know what to do now. Yesterday you had purpose and today your have a brick wall.  Yesterday you had imagination running wild and today you have a dead end street. You had promised yourself that you would do something great with your life and yet all your ideas have ended at the same place, reality.

This just happened to me. I’ve have a dream of flipping houses for my career.  I have worked on projects for other people and I have improved the value of every house I’ve bought but I have yet to flip a house.  I have the talent or so I believe, at the height of my excitement… and I have the knowledge, well when I have the talent.  But when reality hits, so does fear and doubt.  All of the sudden my insecurities are running ramped like a shaved cat going after a ball of yarn… its awkward but you can’t look away.  I just focus on my insecurities, I can’t look away. Instead of my obsession being my great idea it is my lack of commitment when things get hard, and my lack of experience, my naiveness, my poor estimating skills……. they go on forever.

So what do you do?

You ask a question, then another, then another, then another.  Keep asking questions.

Start with your insecurities.

Why do I lack commitment when things get hard?  Because I am afraid of failing.

Why? Well, because failing sucks! I will be a failure. And possibly bankrupt.

How can you do it without the risk of bankruptcy? Have a partner?

What constitutes failing? How can you gain experience? How can you learn more about the process? Just keep going.  These questions are actually steps in disguise.  They are keeping you in motion(M’lea, I’m talking to myself here) Stay in motion.  Keeping going, you will get there.  Excitement is just a feeling.  Its not to be trusted.  It doesn’t mean the idea is really that great but on the flip side the lack of excitement doesn’t mean the idea is that bad.  Keep asking questions, eventually you will know if it is worth the risk or if it really is a terrible idea.

 

For Those Blah Days

I have been waiting to post/journal.  I saw somewhere that Tuesday mornings at 8 am is the best time to post.  But now writing this, I realize I have told like two people this thing exists so I guess that statistic doesn’t really apply to me.  Anyhow, I waited.

I wanted to post about the wonderful weekend we had and all the fun stuff.  But currently I have a little annoying headache that is ruling my life.  It’s shortening my patience and blocking my common sense.  I think my baby has an ear infection and the combination of that with my headache is a recipe for disaster.  Her random whine is like nails on a chalkboard.  I hold out my hands to scoop her up and she just shakes her head, no.  Fine.

Do you want eggs? No! Do you want cereal? No! Do you want milk? Juice? ICE CREAM, what the heck child, how to I get you to stop crying?????

Change the subject, M’lea!

What have I been doing?  Trying to be better at getting/keeping this house clean.  Yesterday I went in to our beautiful yet wrecked playroom to clean it up.  It was my first time in weeks to set foot in there.  I moved stuff and vacuumed, moved and vacuumed until it was tidy and clean.  (note to self: don’t vacuum over crayon bits, they don’t get picked up, they just scrap across the floor leaving streaks of red and orange) When I was finished I walked out to find a new mess all over the coffee table and Jo with a green cheek.  What the heck, why do I even try??? Maybe my method of tossing it all in a gigantic pile in the playroom really is the best thing to do.  It doesn’t take much time and there is no resentment attached to it… not like the resentment I felt after all that.

Well, there you go, hope you have a great day… I am going to try and be optimistic about mine but I just have a feeling the way the morning has gone is how the rest of the day will go… We will see.

Finding the way.

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Isn’t that what we are all looking for?  We are all looking for our place in this world.  What should we choose as a career, who should we spend this life with, should we have kids, if so how many, how should we spend our money, how should we spend our time, is there a God, what does my life look like if I believe in Him, how do I take care of this body.  Thats pretty much what I’ll be blogging/journaling about.  This is not to make money, or have the most followers.  I actually don’t plan on telling anyone this even exists, at least not right now.

I am not a professional, not at anything really.  I struggle in every area of my life and I’m starting to embrace that fact and educate myself in those areas.  I am really loving expressing myself on here because if I were to tell someone that last sentence, they would immediately disagree out of obligation to make me feel better.  But the truth is, I am not a pro.  I lack education and experience.  However, I do plan on gaining both of those.  I just have to decide the direction I want to go in.  Insert this blog.  My soul searching, self analyzing, emotional and intellectual dissecting tool.

So my way, right now is to ask myself some hard questions, read books, talk to people I admire and fill you in along the way.  Then hopefully, in a few weeks, or a few months or a few years I’ll be able to say, I am a pro at… fill in the blank.  I am excited to find out what the thing or things are.  Arn’t you???